Then I realized that I'm one of possibly only a handful of guys with a brain that functions in this manner. Your average guy would have answers very, very different from mine. The type of guy these questions are directed at (a.k.a. the Douchebag) would answer the same as the average guy, just in a more blunt and direct manner. Reading through them I hear my answers immediately, then in the back of my head I can hear exactly what your average guy would say. It occurred to me that should the Douchebag answer these questions, basically it would cause two potential reactions. Option #1, insecure girl who thinks the Douchebag is the hottest and best thing she can get will cling harder and explain that though these answers hurt, they'll try harder to be more understanding, etc. Option #2, your average girl would probably be so pissed that she'd just leave the guy.
So ladies, I'll provide you my answers, since they're so pertinent. I can't guarantee you'll like them, but you didn't ask me to tell you what you wanted to hear ;)
Here we go...
- Did you really think those Super Bowl ads were funny?
You watched the Super Bowl? I was playing Call of Duty. - Why do you take so long pooping?
Because it's my only time away from you when I'm with you. ...and I'm probably checking myself out in the mirror. - Why do you cup your balls so much?
Gotta be proud of something, right? I think someone's jealous of my hand warmer. - Bar soap or body wash?
Body Wash. You like my skin to be soft, it allows me to exfoliate. Oh, sorry, I wasn't supposed to know HOW to care for my skin, you were supposed to try and tell me and I was supposed to ignore you? - Why ask for my number if you’re not going to actually call?
Because I didn't think you were gonna give it to me. :) - Why the mindset that being in a long-term relationship is the end of fun?
Why the assumption that I think that? I'd prefer a long-term relationship, thanks. - Why are you so convinced that sex is so much more important for you than it is for women?
More assumptions, but my drive is probably higher than yours. It can be "equally as important" to both of us. I still win. - Do you ever fake orgasms?
No. I'm in it to win it! - Is there such a thing as “too slutty”?
Yes. When you wear fishnets to meet my parents. - What percentage of your female friends do you want to sleep with?
If I will actually call someone a friend and they're female, I've probably thought about it. There's easily a 50% rate to that question. - Have you cheated? How often?
Nope. I value love, honesty, and companionship. Do you? - Why do you always seem to be drawn to women who are dramatic?
I don't like drama. I like crazy girls because they usually channel all that energy and anger into the bedroom. Win, win situation. - Hypothetically speaking, do you remember what I was wearing when we first met?
Clothes, hopefully. If you weren't, you probably didn't make it to this questionnaire. - How often do you look at porn when your girlfriend isn’t home?
If she's not there it's guaranteed to happen. What else am I gonna look at? You won't send me pictures of you... - What is going through your head when we’re annoyed with you?
Nothing. To be fair, you probably didn't say anything. You probably just gave that heavy sigh and looked away, shifted weight to the foot opposing me, then dug in your purse for something. I know when you're annoyed. I don't care until you care to tell me. - Do you actually notice when it’s laundry day and we’re wearing old/unattractive panties or do they all look kinda the same to you?
Yes, I notice. Btw, you should get rid of that pair. - Seriously, isn’t watching six straight hours of football a bit too much?
I'd fucking die. Think of all the Call of Duty I'm missing out on. - Why do you continue to eat spicy foods if it only makes you feel sick?
It doesn't make me feel sick, it just makes me fart a lot. I like farting, but you'd think it gross, so I tell you it makes me feel sick. - What makes you think we will go see movies with guns/bombs/explosions if you will not go see rom-coms with us?
Guns/bombs/explosions? They're called action movies, Miss. Wtf is a rom-com? --Because men write scripts too. Men who know that in order to go see this movie, they need to get you to want to see it, and they get some hot guy to get banged up and somehow end up shirtless. While the hot girl is in underwear or something equally revealing. And sweaty. - If your mother started an argument with me, whose side would you be on?
Whoever's side was more logical. Remember that. - What do you have against special facial cleansers?
...for who, me? Fuck that, that requires time. For you? Honestly, if I'm dating you, you're probably pretty enough that you don't really need to worry about that kind of crap. - What does it feel like when you fall in love?
It feels like a dozen fuzzy puppies. Having all their fuzzy legs cut off. Oh seriously? I can't explain it, but I know it's the only reason I'm alive. To feel that. And possibly to see those puppies... - What are you really thinking during sex?
I'm listening to you like I listen to a car that's running rough. Are those lifters I hear? Hmm, valves need an adjustment. Slight miss. When's the last time I checked my distributor again? My idle is oscillating a little again... What? You're not happy I just made a metaphor between our love making and a car? - What is the one thing you wish girls did in bed that they never do?
That YOU never do? I've had girls that do it. ;) You already know, because I've already brought it up. You said you didn't want to. - What do dudes talk about when they are alone?
Farts. Halo. Cars. Woah that chick was hot. Oh hang on my girlfriend is calling. *click* Dude, did you catch what she asked me to get from the store? Oh well. Farts. Cars. Call of Duty. Farts. - Why do you just disappear? If you don’t want to keep dating me, why not just say something?
Because I have a job. Though few, I have friends also. If I didn't want to date you, I'd tell you. I'm not that pussy, thanks. - Why won’t you just buy a new pair of shoes?
Because these are comfy. Actually, I happen to like new kicks. - Why won’t you ask for directions?
Because there's a decent possibility I just wanted to get lost with you, but you ruined that by nagging at me to stop and ask for directions. The next time around, I forgot this happened. - What are your expectations of a romantic partner?
Cuddles. Good night texts. Expressed affection (I like being appreciated too). Putting out. As a side note, birth control. As a side note to the side note, during that green pill week, that you can be responsible enough to buy your own tampons. That you can drive a manual/standard transmission. Baked goods. Participation in video games or at least carnal knowledge of them so when I explain to you how I just accomplished something that increased my awesome meter, you can at least nod, smile, and say, "Good job, that sounded tough!" - Why do you enjoy video games so much?
Because in real life if I shot people I'd go to jail. Interactive books are way better. That's what the Neverending Story was about, right? Video games? - Why don’t you ever change the toilet paper roll?
More assumptions, I do, thank you very much. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate the guys you date, considering where your priorities lie... - Do you hate it when we ask you to kill the bugs or does it secretly make you feel kind of macho?
I take pride in killing things. Like the last of the milk in the fridge. - Have you ever slept with a prostitute?
I grew up in Tacoma. Would you? - What is my favorite flower? C’mon, surely you’ve been listening.
I have been listening. You haven't said it. But I'm buying you Gerber daisies, because regardless of your favorite flower, they're easy and cheap to get and when I send them to your work, your boss will think you're more pure and innocent and give you a raise. - Do you really like the way we taste down there?
Usually, yes. Every girl is different though. - If she cheated on you, would you take her back and try to save the relationship? If not, would you expect the same from her?
No, fucking slut. I don't cheat, so part two of this question is irrelevant, thanks. - Do you have a hard time if she’s more successful financially?
I'm down for a sugar momma. - If a woman gives birth, do you have a hard time seeing her as a sexual partner?
For at least the following twenty minutes after seeing your vagina stretched to the size of a cantaloupe, yes. I'll get over it eventually. Remember, sex is more important to me than you. - Why do you want to stick it in our butt so much? Don’t you think about poo?
I'm over that. I could care less about poo. Penises wash off, thank god. - If you were with a woman who never let you near her butt, would you be cool with that?
If she's still up for a spanking/groping during sex, yeah. - What’s worse: Marriage or loneliness?
Loneliness. It's like marriage but without half the bills covered. - Do you care if they’re real boobs or fakes?
...it's more important that I get to feel them and play with them. They're an anatomical luxury I was not provided with. If fake boobs or real boobs affect my ability to feel and play, then yes, I care. - Do you secretly wish we were virgins the first time we slept with you?
No. I'd like you to have some idea of what to do with my penis and to not cry about how much it hurts or lie there like a dead fish. - What does being kicked in the balls really feel like?
Like the worst cramps you could possibly imagine, fighting morning sickness, and having the wind knocked out of you all at the same time. But worse. - What do you think about when you’re going down on us?
Are those really my lifters or is it actually just my fuel injectors and I'm being paranoid about the lifters... - Does your mom really like me? Do you care?
No and no. - How was your first cunnilingus experience?
Great. Oh, with you? ... - Have you ever fantasized about one of my friends? A guy?
Probably. Probably not. - Does your dick feel like a dangling appendage when you run?
Yes and no. You'd expect a dangling appendage to develop some sort of rhythm based off your running pace, but penises just kind of flop against your clothing and balls, which get knocked around by your thighs, further irregulating this rhythm. We forget about this by staring at your ass. - Have you ever considered milking the prostate? I’ve heard it’s the jam!
Now who's obsessed with asses?
If you have to ask these questions (aside from a select few, like #49) of a guy you're dating, you're probably dating the wrong guy for you. That's your own fault. We nice guys see you. With that douchebag. Wonder why you're with him. Basically, we assume you're with him for money.
We're probably right.
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