Twenty-Five

I'm now less than six months away from being 25 years old. When I was 18, I told myself I had time, I'd figure it out eventually. When I was 21, I realized I'd pretty much wasted the time it takes to get a Bachelor's degree. I told myself I needed to get going. Must get my life figured out. I had decided that by 23, because of it's mention in a few too many songs, I needed to have made a step. Well, 23 was a pretty terrible year for me. I lost a lot of things I had worked for. I lost a lot of myself. But, like all things, you lose a little to gain a lot. At 24, once again, I had no idea who I was. I had no idea what I was still here for, just that for some reason, I still was. I gave myself another year. By 25, if you haven't started classes for college you're joining the military.

Less than six months. There's a possibility it could happen, but I honestly feel it's up to too many uncontrollable variables. I need a job that works with school hours so I can continue to pay rent and live, while going to school full time so that financial aid/student loans can cover the school bills. If I want to continue driving, I need to replace my car before I get into this, in case I can't cover the added bills of car payments and increased insurance. I need to be able to count on my living situation. Should I have to move because any one of my room mates leaves, I suddenly have to commute to school. My parents will be down in Shelton, and there's no way in hell I can commute from Shelton to Bellevue for school.

To me, it's a daunting mess. I've been trying to not look at the big picture and focus on things one at a time. New job. Still unsuccessful in finding something that works out. Car breaks. Twice. I can fix it, but thanks for the distraction.

Yesterday, the realization that I was less than six months from turning 25, and not one step closer to school or a better future than I was when I was 18 hit me like a ton of bricks. It's depressing, knowing that you let yourself down. That you don't value yourself enough to make that happen. In seven years time. Fuck that's almost a doctorate.

When I was 18, I thought about joining the military. I decided against it, because I wanted to do these steps for myself. 7 years later, I haven't even made one.

Today, almost 7 full years later, I've given it thought.

I'd like to join the Navy.

The thought of serving on a boat or submarine, going places, sailing seas, etc. sounds like a better adventure than the life I'm leading currently. It's obviously not all sunshine and rainbows, but what about my job is? I'm so tired of working around a bunch of lazy, unmotivated people, who could care less about their job or career and the functions they need to fulfill as such. Customer service isn't hard. Washing cars isn't hard. Understanding the flow of my work place isn't hard. Yet, daily, there are at least a half dozen people that can't grasp that, because they just don't care to. I don't like washing cars, I wouldn't like turning wrenches, I wouldn't like fielding phone calls and communicating on behalf of someone who's too busy to, but if it's my job, I do it and I do it well, because if not, why bother? Honestly? If you're not going to do your job the best you can, why bother?

That's an attitude the military likes to see, and something I hope to find in it. People who are motivated to do their job either because they like it and want to, or because they don't give any less than their best. The pay scale is nearly directly what I make right now, except my job screwed me out of benefits this year. My 401k is literally a waste of money. I work with people I seriously dislike with a wrath so furious it can take self-restraint at times to keep from unleashing it. I don't get to go anywhere, really. I'm not technically locked into my job, but I certainly can't leave without another one ready to cover my bills. What about this is any better than serving in the military at it's worst?

The only real downside is that I won't get to visit with my parents with any frequency. I'm going to miss them like hell. I don't think I would've said that at 18, which upon reflection kinda makes me sad. But it also shows me just how much I've grown and come to understand in the 7 years I've wasted. Doing this will also give me the opportunity to send some extra money their way (since nearly all my bills will be gone while on Active Duty) which hopefully will help them get into their house sooner, help them live how they want to, rather than how they have to, and help pay off all of this sooner. They sacrificed the house we had and a lot of their time and goals to accomplish things that my sister and I wanted growing up, and I know that's what parents do, but it's not like they had much to give up. Since both my sister and I are out of their way, I'd like them to be able to finally start living for themselves and start accomplishing the things they want.

Thinking about this actually makes me excited. For once in quite some time now, I'm excited about something. I'm excited for opportunity to show myself that I'm not as worthless as I feel at times. Excited to get started on a positive change for my life. I'd like to use the Navy for college. I wouldn't mind going to Navy Officer, and the idea of retiring to a civilian government job, or staying in until retirement. These ideas I'm okay with. I'll know for certain once I've got a few years under my belt, but it sounds like a more solid plan than anything else I've ever tried (and failed at).

I believe my lease is up in June or July. I'm going to sell most of my junk I don't need, get the rest into storage or stash it with my parents. Come the end of this lease, I'm gonna ship off. Over to Chicago for "basic" and from there who knows. The possibilities have me ecstatic.

I don't know how well this is going to go over with my room mates/friends, but I'm pretty sure my parents will be supportive. As for anyone else, I don't care much, haha.

Here's to something positive in my life.